How to let the Right People In

Posted by Jessica Goh on 31st May 2020

Hey Wonderful being,

You might be thinking, how to filter out toxic people and not get that confused with letting the right people in. As they saying goes, people come and go (and for a very good reason).

Here are 4 strong traits to look out for in finding your tribe with the right vibe. 

1. Integrity: The way to trust is honouring what's in alignment to you and making choices that feels right to you. Drawing on my personal experiences of past friendships, I noticed I had a few girlfriends who reached out offering to reconnect and bond, they would mention, "we should go out some time", "we need to catch up" or "I want to extend my friendship to you" however it never happened because they didn't intend to make it happen despite I showed genuine interests. It sucks to feel that I was left hanging but it was an experience for me to learn not to take things at face value and observe how people's behaviours unfolds. If I feel that I was out of integrity, I would sincerely apologise, cough up my shame story or find a solution to restore integrity. Actions speak louder than words. 

2. Safety: The feelings of trusting others where you can be safe to express and be yourself. To share your milestones and to expose your setbacks knowing you're with the right people to do this with. On a professional sense, when people see me for a private trauma healing session, I create safety by letting them do the talking so they feel heard like they have a voice to express and be themselves. Listening is part of holding a space for them to release and let go of suppressed feelings, ideas and thoughts that were never expressed. This is sacred. And this is what we can do for our friends, families, partners and work colleagues for them to feel safe. Active listening.

3. Empathy: Being open to feeling into how the other person feels. Putting yourself in their shoes whether you like it or not to understand why they are the way they are and going out of your ego or victim to tap into this healing ability of compassion. This is a common trait that I look out for in a friend or partner because it helps me feel safe to be understood whether I'm right or wrong. As soon as I feel understood, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest giving me the clarity to make the right decision. 

4. Honesty: They say honesty is the best policy. It's with the right delivery that comes from the heart, not judgement, that can support the other person to let go of playing victim or for you to express your needs and boundaries with assertion, not aggression. I remember when I was in my teens and I had a bestfriend who I struggled to express myself with because I was afraid to hurt her so instead of telling her how I actually felt about her, I held a grudge and blow up unexpectedly. I didn't realise when I started to receive trauma healing how much stuff I suppressed from the past because I was told by my mum to be a good girl and always say nice things to them. We need to give ourselves permission to be honest with ourselves and to be honest with others from a place of love. With honesty, you and I can move forward so much faster than to tell ourselves and others these sweet little lies.

Here's the thing, the point isn't about getting it right or getting the right people into your life. Whether the experience with each person you've interacted was toxic or not, doesn't matter. It's about what you can learn from each person and interaction about yourself in those experiences. 

What are you holding onto that's toxic within yourself? 

Do you gaslight yourself  to deny your moment of truth? 

What can you let go of to set yourself free? 

This is where you can let the right people in. And know that you'll be ok even when you feel the most vulnerable or anxious. Life is the greatest teacher. Be a student of life.

Take this golden opportunity to reconnect with yourself. There's more to life than the external world and collective chaos. Life starts with you. Help is here. Ask and you shall receive. Email or if you're in Australia, call me on 0424 181 494 to book in a free 30 minute discovery session to find out if my services are right for you.

With Love & Support,

Jessica Goh | Trauma Coach & Healer In Relationship Abuse

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